The World’s First Ewokese Rhyming Dictionary

This crew got rhymes.

I may have just completed my life’s most important work.

But let me back up for a second first.

For years, I have threatened to write a musical that tells the story of what’s going on behind the scenes during Return of the Jedi. More specifically, what’s going on with the Ewoks of Bright Tree Village. We know them as Chief Chirpa, creepy shaman Logray, and of course my favorite, Wicket.

Yeah, I went there.

Wicket is the cute Ewok scout who first meets Leia and brings her back to the Bright Tree Village (while Logray is advocating cooking and eating Luke, Han, and Chewy.) He is also the hero of Wicket, the musical I’m working on.

I’m hoping the need for an Ewokese rhyming dictionary is making more sense now. The majority of the show will be in Galactic Basic (what some of you might call English), but I still want the Ewoks to be able to bust out a few rhymes in their native tongue.

I will happily share more info on the show in a later post. For now, I wanted to share—for posterity—the Ewokese rhyming dictionary that I have slaved over for the past few days. I’m sure a lot of people need it.

But first, a few caveats:

• I am not an Ewokese expert—my pronunciations may not be perfect
• For my purposes, I’m using ‘near rhyme’ rules for the multisyllabic rhymes that are noted.
• Almost all of the Ewok words and phrases I used come from the wookipedia, which in turn come from the amazing work of Return of the Jedi’s sound designer Ben Burtt. I have scrounged a few additional words and phrases from elsewhere on the internet.

So without further ado, please enjoy the world’s first Ewokese Rhyming Dictionary:

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-ah

Aargutcha (ar gooch ah) — Pull

Acha (ah chah) — Okay, all right

Ah-ah (ah ah) — Water

Akeeata (ah kee ah tah) — Hear

Amoowa — You have a..

Cha/Chaa (chah) — Them

Chaaa — This one

Coatee-cha (kote tee chah) — Celebrate

Dee fratta (dee frah tah) — That’s, that is

De oppra (dee opp rah) — Upper, top

Ee chee wa maa! (ee chee wah mah) — Wow, gee whiz! Oh my goodness.

Ee choya! (ee choy ah) — Hey

Eedada (ee dah dah) — Over

Eedeeza (ee dee zah) — Ten (10)

Ehda (ay dah) — Evil, Bad

Ekla (ek lah) — Big

Enenah (en en ah) — Where

Entzahee roda (ents zah hee roh dah) — Cook

Enya — Show

Esa — Why

Fopa — From

Fudana — Wait

Glowah — Glory

Goon daa (goondaa) — delicious

Gooka (goo kah) — Shelter

Goopa (goo pah) — Hi.

Gunda (goon dah) — Yummy

Heeta hutah — Bark lizard

Hurga — Teach

Jeerota (jee roe tah) — Friend

Ka — The

Kaiya — Giddyup!

Kla (klah) — From

K’na Naa (kuh nah nah) — Spirit Tree

Kra (krah) — Ready

Luka — Stars

Manna manna (man ah man ah) — Food

N’dla (nah dla) — Six (6)

Ne gata/Ni gata (nee gah tah) — Where is…?

Ninga ninga — I respect

N’la (nah la) — Five (5)

Nocka — Deal

Nude-La — I am a…

Ooba (oo bah) — Rain, Rainfall

Ota (oh tah) — To the

Pibooka (pih boo kah) — Clearing

Pola (poh lah) — Polar

Powa (pow wah) — Power

Roda (roh dah) — To eat

Ronda ronda — Landing platform

Ruha (roo hah) — Hit

Sta (stah) — Now

Stoja (sto jah) — Station

Ta (tah) — The

Tana (tah nah) — The Ewokese name of the planet Endor

Teeha (tee hah) — Thank you

Teera — Only

Theesa (thee sah) — Baby, child

Toma — Your(?)

Treeta Dobra (tree tah Doh brah) — Council of Elders

Uuta — Sky

Weewa (wee wah) — House, home

X’ekra — Guard/watch/protect

X’iutha (zhoo thah) — Important

Yaa-yaah! — Greetings.

Yah wah—power

Yeha (yee hah) — Good bye

Yud ehda/Yut ehda (yood ay dah) — Alas

two syllable

-ah-ah

Acha (ah chah) — Okay, all right

Ah—ah (ah ah) — Water

Dee fratta (dee frah tah) — That’s, that is

De oppra (dee opp rah) — Upper, top

Ee chee wa maa! (ee chee wah mah) — Wow, gee whiz! Oh my goodness.

Eedada (ee dah dah) — Over

Fudana — Wait

K’na Naa (kuh nah nah) — Spirit Tree

Manna manna (man ah man ah) — Food

N’dla (nah dla) — Six (6)

Ne gata/Ni gata (nee gah tah) — Where is…?

N’la (nah la) — Five (5)

Tana (tah nah) — The Ewokese name of the planet Endor

Yaa-yaah! — Greetings.

Yah wah—power

-ai-ah/-ay-ah

Ehda (ay dah) — Evil, Bad

Kaiya — Giddyup!

Yud ehda/Yut ehda (yood ay dah) — Alas

-ee-ah

Akeeata (ah kee ah tah) — Hear

Coatee-cha (kote tee chah) — Celebrate

Eedeeza (ee dee zah) — Ten (10)

Ninga ninga — I respect

Teeha (tee hah) — Thank you

Teera — Only

Theesa (thee sah) — Baby, child

Weewa (wee wah) — House, home

Yeha (yee hah) — Good bye

-eh-ah

Ekla (ek lah) — Big

Enenah (en en ah) — Where

Enya — Show

Esa — Why

X’ekra — Guard/watch/protect

-oh-ah

Entzahee roda (ents zah hee roh dah) — Cook

Fopa — From

Glowah — Glory

Jeerota (jee roe tah) — Friend

Nocka — Deal

Ota (oh tah) — To the

Pola (poh lah) — Polar

Roda (roh dah) — To eat

Ronda ronda — Landing platform

Stoja (sto jah) — Station

Toma — Your(?)

Treeta Dobra (tree tah Doh brah) — Council of Elders

-ooh-ah

Aargutcha (ar gooch ah) — Pull

Amoowa — You have a..

Goon daa (goondaa) — delicious

Gooka (goo kah) — Shelter

Goopa (goo pah) — Hi.

Gunda (goon dah) — Yummy

Heeta hutah — Bark lizard

Luka — Stars

Nude-La — I am a…

Ooba (oo bah) — Rain, Rainfall

Pibooka (pih boo kah) — Clearing

Ruha (roo hah) — Hit

Uuta — Sky

X’iutha (zhoo thah) — Important

Three syllable

-ah-oh-ah

Ronda ronda — Landing platform

Treeta Dobra (tree tah Doh brah) — Council of Elders

-ee-ah-ah

Dee fratta (dee frah tah) — That’s, that is

De oppra (dee opp rah) — Upper, top

Ee chee wa maa! (ee chee wah mah) — Wow, gee whiz! Oh my goodness.

Eedada (ee dah dah) — Over

Ne gata/Ni gata (nee gah tah) — Where is…?

-ooh-ah-ah/–uh-ah-ah

Fudana — Wait

K’na Naa (kuh nah nah) — Spirit Tree

-ahd (see also -aht)

Jad (jad) — Down

-aht (see also -ahd)

Jarat (jah raht) — Branch

Theesdarat — Truth

-aig (see also -ang)

Zehg (zayg) — Out

-air (see also -er, -erd)

Deajstare — Death Star

-ale

Chiutatal (chy oo tah tail) — Moon

Tal (tale) — Sun

-ang (see also -aig)

Lang — Think

-are

Azar (ay zar) – Magic

Dangar (dang gar) — Attack (also possible that the phrase is used as a battle cry)

Hutar (hoo tar) — Danger

Lulalar (loo lah lahr) – Sing

-ate (see also -et, -it)

Daboolhat (daboohlait) — Change, be different

-ath

Yayath (ya yath) — Jump

-ay

Danthee (dan thay) — Maybe

Danvay (dan vay) — Be careful

Ileeay — Stop

Noroway (nohr oh way) — Which?

Re — Rise

-ease

Chees — Route/path

Eee/Ees (ee) — We

Thees (theess) — Good

-eck (see also -ick)

Chek — Soup

Glek (glek) — Sad

Greh/Grek (grek) — Hands

Shtehk — Sit

Shtek — Vine/rope

Thek (theck) — Here

Yehk — Open

-ecksh (see also -eck)

Deksh — Oh dear/Oh my

-ee

Arandee (ar ahn dee) — Listen

Bingee (bin jee) — To guide

Che (chee) — Free, as in liberty

Churee/Churi (chor ee) — Mountain

Churi – a large bird, the skull of which adorns Logray’s headgear

Chyasee (chy ah see) — Help

Coki (coke ee) — Nine (9)

Cupee (cupp ee) — Cap, as in an ice cap on a mountain

Eedeedee — Under

Eee/Ees (ee) — We

Eetee (ee tee) — Long

Ehshtee/Eshtee (esh tee) — Give

Hii — Visit

Hoji (ho jee) — Four (4)

Jeejee (jee jee) — Face

Kee — Wishes (?)

Lungee (lunj ee) — Lost

Luufi (loo fee) — Flower

Nim-nee — Take (me)

Reshee (resh ee) — Map

Rueenee (roo ee nee) — Ruins

Sunee (suh nee) — Sun

Thesi — There

Tyatee (ty ah tee) — Come

Tyeht danti? — What happened?

Uhree — Up

Yuhyi — See

Yubi Ubi — Go to sleep

Zeekee — Safe

two syllable

-ah-ee

Arandee (ar ahn dee) — Listen

Chyasee (chy ah see) — Help

Tyatee (ty ah tee) — Come

Tyeht danti? — What happened?

-ee-ee

Eedeedee — Under

Eetee (ee tee) — Long

Jeejee (jee jee) — Face

Rueenee (roo ee nee) — Ruins

Zeekee — Safe

-eh-ee

Ehshtee/Eshtee (esh tee) — Give

Reshee (resh ee) — Map

Thesi — There

-ih-ee

Bingee (bin jee) — To guide

Nim-nee — Take (me)

-oh-ee

Churee/Churi (chor ee) — Mountain

Coki (coke ee) — Nine (9)

Hoji (ho jee) — Four (4)

-ooh-ee

Luufi (loo fee) — Flower

Yubi Ubi — Go to sleep

-uh-ee

Cupee (cupp ee) — Cap, as in an ice cap on a mountain

Lungee (lunj ee) — Lost

Sunee (suh nee) — Sun

three syllable

-ai-ah-ee

Chyasee (chy ah see) — Help

Tyatee (ty ah tee) — Come

-eech (see also -ease)

Feech (feech) — Dang

Geetch (geech) — Push

-eef (see also -eeth)

Feef (feef) — Plant

Oodeef (oo deef) — Sweet

X’eef (zheef) — Ground

-eeg (see also —eej, —eek)

Gleeg (gleeg) — Drink

Seeg — On

Zeeg (zeeg) — In

-eej (see also -eech)

Deej (deej) — Father

-eek (see also -eeg, -eeks)

Eekeekeek (eek eek eek) — Forest

Thleek — Throw

Treek (treek) — Go

Treekveek — Run

Veek (veek) — Quick

Yeek — Look

-eeks (see also -eek, -ease)

Jeeks — That

-eep

Eeep! — Yipes!

-eesh (see also -ease, -eech, -eesht)

Gyeesh (gyeesh) — Please

Keesh — When

Shodeesh — Parents

Sleesh (sleesh) — Berry

-eesht

E s’eesht (ee seesht) — Kill

-eet (see also -eet)

Eedada huutaveet — Spaceship

Freet (freet) — Sister

-eeth (see also -eef, -eet)

Kreeth (kreeth) — Cave

-eh

Etke (ett keh) — More

Jadgreh (jad greh) — Foot

Oh hheneheh (oh hén heh) — An expression used to call to order an assembled group in preparation for an announcement—sometimes, after an accompanying drum beat

Yeh (yeh) — Old

-en

Den (den) — No

Hveetin (he veet in) — Glider

Na-chin (nah chin) — Tribe

Treekthin (treek thin) — Journey

Tyehtgeethin — Stranger

Zeeheein — Safety

-er (see also -air, -erd)

Fektur (fek tur) — Medicine

-erd (see also -air, -er)

Lurd (lerd) — Dumb, silly

-esh

T’hesh (tuh hesh) — Quiet

Yesh (yesh) — Right, correct

-et (see also -ait, -it)

Teeket (tee kett) — Heart

Yungyet (yung yett) — Nut

-ick (see also -eck)

Drik (drik) — Happy

Eechik — Try

Fic (fic) — Two (2)

-icks

Jiks — This

-im

Chim (chim) — Three (3)

-in (see -en)

-it (see also -et)

Grenchicit (gren chik it) — Hang on/Hold on

Luka yit — Pixie

Yekyit — Say/tell

Yigit — Small

-ock

Bok chuu-ock (bahk choo ahk) — Far away

Chak (chahk) — Yes

Che womok! — Beware!

Dutak (doo tok) — Arrow

Moktok — Now

Vootok — village

-oh

Ando (an doh) — Forward

Bi toto (bee toh toh) — Direction

Coro (kor oh) — Can you…?

Eleeo (ee lee oh) — Never

Lurdo (ler-do) — Loser

Mo — more

Oh (oh) — Too

Seefo (see foh) — Hurt

Toto — Is/Does

-ooh

Allayloo (ah lay loo) — Celebrate

Bugdoo – Hungry

Choo doo (choo doo) — Enough

Chu (choo) — One (1)

Fulu (foo loo) — Circle

Goo — Light/Trade

J’voo (ja voo) — Eight (8)

Labu labu? — How much?

Luu (loo) — Beautiful

Meechoo (mee choo) — I

Na goo (nah goo) — Stop!

Ooloo ooloo — Phrase pertaining to eating of someone

Reh rehluu (reh reh loo) — Dance

Sheeu (shee oo) — Name

Shodu (sho doo) — Mother

Sku (skoo) — Hello

Voo (voo) — Seven (7)

Weechu (wee choo) — You

two syllable

-ah-ooh

J’voo (ja voo) — Eight (8)

Labu labu? — How much?

Na goo (nah goo) — Stop!

-ee-ooh

Meechoo (mee choo) — I

Sheeu (shee oo) — Name

Weechu (wee choo) — You

-ooh-ooh

Choo doo (choo doo) — Enough

Fulu (foo loo) — Circle

Ooloo ooloo — Phrase pertaining to eating of someone

-oot

Goot (goot) — Good

Noot — Now

Sirut (seer oot) — Door

Sut (sutt) — Soon

Yun yum di goot — It is very good/tasty

-op/up

Chop — Got (have)

eee chop — we got

Yupyup (yupp yupp) — Rejoice (rejoicing)

-ub

Nub — I would/I have

Yub nub (yubb nubb) — Freedom

Yubnub (yub nub) — Hooray

Yub yub (yub yub) — Follow/Let’s go

-uck (see also -ock)

Chuck (chuk) — Much

Fruk (fruk) — Brother

Thuk (thuck) — Rock

-uf/-uv (see also -ub)

Nuv (nuhv) — Love

Yuf (yuhf) — Climb

-ug (see also -uck)

Eyok-nee-chug — What is that?

-uh

Eekeetuhkuh (ee kee tuh kuh) — Axe

Klektuhkuh — Spear

Ken Case

I’ve never met anyone like Ken Case.

Ken is my father-in-law. He died yesterday, surrounded by the people he loves most: my mother-in-law Gaye, my sister-in-law Melissa, and my dear wife Stephanie.

Ken Case is a man in the tradition of a type of man that just doesn’t exist anymore. Ken can plumb a bathroom. He can rewire a light fixture. He can build a deck, pour cement, and mason a wall. He can take apart, and rebuild, an engine. Ken can add an extension onto his house. He can disassemble anything—a doorknob; a staircase; a lawnmower—figure it out, and fix it.

If an alien craft crash-landed in Port Marnock, Ken could take a look at the unearthly technology, figure it out, and fix it.

He could figure out, and fix, anything.

Ken skis. He runs marathons. He’s a championship swimmer.

Ken speaks French. And Irish. He knows some very choice phrases in English.

He’s travelled the world.

He knows math, physics, and engineering. He knows history—don’t get him started on World War II. He knows American politics better than I do. Or at least that’s what he tells me.

Ken can ride a motorcycle. He can sail a boat. He can pilot a plane. Heck, he teaches pilots to pilot planes.

Everyone comes to Ken for advice and for help. And he gives it freely.

Gentlemen, imagine if your spouse’s prime example of what it means to be a man was Ken Case. You would have no chance.

(Lucky for me, my wife has his genes, and thus can do that stuff too.)

—

A favorite memory of mine is when I asked Ken for his daughter’s hand in marriage. Since he was a ‘traditional sort of guy,’ I thought this might score me some points.

He went to Steph and asked, “Well, what do you think?”

When Steph said yes, he replied, “Then it’s fine with me.”

—

I’m not sad for Ken. He is beyond pain. But I’m very sad for the rest of us.

We’ve all lost a rock. A pillar. A constant that we could always depend on. A font of levelheaded and knowledgeable advice that was there to clarify any confusion; to simplify any task.

And when things were bad, he’d come deal with it himself—whether you were replacing a lock or buying a home. Whether you were around the corner, or on a different continent.

I’m so sad for Gaye Case. Gaye has lost her husband of 50 years. Fifty years! They have the type of love and relationship that others hold up as an example of what we all hope our relationships could be.

Together they have raised two amazing daughters, and four precocious grandkids. They’ve travelled everywhere. They walk the coast together. They chat at the breakfast table every morning like old friends.

To lose that is truly tragic.

I am so sad for my wife Steph, and her sister Melissa. If I had one wish, it would be to be as close to my daughters when they become adults as Ken is to his daughters.

My wife talks to Ken, on average, every day. All the way from the States. They chat about the kids, about life, and about what’s going on in the neighborhood today. To me it sounds like the routine, comfortable, reassuring conversations that friends might have over tea.

If Steph is working on a project, or trying to fix something, they might talk ten times in the same day.

I know Steph must already miss that so much. Ken wasn’t just her dad. He was her mentor, her rock, and her best friend.

I am so sad for Ken’s brother Victor. How terrible it must be to lose that reliable constant in your life since childhood.

I’m sad for Ken’s grandkids, who may well feel they’ve lost a playmate, not a grandparent. Ken taught Rowena how to ride a bike. He taught Phoebe how to swim.

I’m sad for all of us. Ken was a special guy in so many lives. He’s irreplaceable.

—

When I told our daughters yesterday, they were—of course—devastated. The tears flowed, and four-year-old Phoebe asked me, with the innocence of childhood, “Will we ever see Papa again?”

I could only tell the truth.

“Yes. We will see him every day in our happy memories, and in our thoughts, and in our dreams. Papa is in you, and in Rowena, and in Sam, and in Isabelle, and in your mum, and in Melissa. He will always be with us.”

Final Kickstarter Update

As of 11:10 AM Eastern, Dad’s Garage Theatre’s Kickstarter campaign to buy a forever home ended. I would say it was a success, and then some.

We met our goal of $116K with over a week to spare. At about the same time, an anonymous benefactor announced that he, she, or it (wealthy robot?) would match all Kickstarter donations up to $150K, so that became our new goal.

I am so proud to say the people of Atlanta and the world stepped up and helped us meet that number with 20 hours to spare. Even then, donations continued to pour in until the very end. We ended up at $169,985.

I donated as much as I could without selling anyone. Then my parents came up with a well-meaning scheme to help me contribute more: they would donate $10 for every pound I lost during the 60-day span of the Kickstarter campaign.

In the allotted 60 days, I’ve lost 29.8 pounds. Mom, Dad—thanks for your $298 donation to Dad’s Garage’s Kickstarter.

My technique, which I intend to continue with a couple of slight modifications, was this:

• Avoid Sweet. Not just sugar, also artificial sweeteners. I didn’t go hardcore—I know that lots of non-sweet products (like American bread) sneak sugar in. If it was less than a gram or two I wouldn’t exclude certain things. But overall no sweets, no fruit, no juice, no sodas, no dessert, NO HALLOWEEN CANDY!

• No Booze. I couldn’t justify the empty calories. I did ignore this rule for two special occasions (my anniversary and a client dinner).

• Intermittent fasting. For the past 60 days (with a few exceptions), I consumed all of my calories for the day in an 8 hour window. This typically took the form of an ample breakfast and lunch with no dinner and no snacks, although a couple of days I skipped breakfast instead.

Moving forward, I’m going to continue avoiding sweet. I’ve found that it’s made it surprisingly easy to avoid that hangry feeling by avoiding the sugar roller coaster. I also have felt great since I started the intermittent fasting, so I’m going to continue doing it for at least five days a week. And I’m going to restrict alcohol to weekends only, and obviously avoid sweet drinks.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

Don’t Donate. Invest

I’ve been asking everyone I know to donate to Dad’s Garage Theatre.

For those who don’t know, Dad’s Garage is a comedy theatre company in intown Atlanta. We produce original theatrical productions 52 weeks a year, and have for 19 years. What Dad’s does can be silly, absurd, and sometimes uncouth. But we’re a loud voice in the arts, particularly for young and underserved audiences.

In 2013, we were priced out of the neighborhood we had helped rebuild. Our old building was purchased and razed to make way for modern condos and restaurants, which will doubtlessly look much nicer than our old cinderblock warehouse theatre did.

To be fair, the old shithole probably deserved it.

Currently Dad’s Garage has no permanent home. But we’re still producing shows every week we can find a stage, usually at 7 Stages in Atlanta’s Little Five Points neighborhood. For our 2014 season—our first as a homeless company—Atlantans voted Dad’s Garage Atlanta’s Best Improv and, astoundingly, Atlanta’s Best Theatre Company. I’ll be honest, there are waaay better theatre companies than us by almost every measure. But I think Atlanta’s opinion of Dad’s Garage, warranted or not, speaks volumes.

To fulfill our artistic vision, Dad’s Garage needs a permanent home. We think we’ve found it. Now we need to buy it. And that’s why I’ve been asking everyone to donate to Dad’s Garage via our Kickstarter Campaign.

But today, I’m not asking anyone to donate to Dad’s Garage. I’m asking everyone to invest in Dad’s Garage.

Investing in Dad’s Garage is investing in the Old Fourth Ward. With decades of gentrification taking place on its borders, the Old Fourth Ward neighborhood was long overlooked—in part due to a reputation for drugs, crime, and prostitution. A sad reality for what was once the most vibrant district in Atlanta, a model of cultural integration, and the childhood home of Martin Luther King Jr.

Finally in the 2000s, Atlanta began to invest in O4W. New businesses, bars, a sweet park, and the Beltline moved in. Even the recession didn’t stop the development, though it probably slowed it. Now the neighborhood is becoming known as a center for innovation and reinvention. That means the neighborhood needs a theatre—not just as a cultural hub and a source of entertainment and pride. Also as a business generator: Dad’s Garage can bring tens of thousands of hip, hungry patrons to the Old Fourth Ward every year.

Investing in Dad’s Garage is investing in the arts. Some people don’t connect what we do at Dad’s to “art.” I get it—one of my best performances was the night Amber Nash sat on me on stage and I farted so loud the back row’s ears hurt. But consider this: aside from fart improv for sold out houses of young audiences, we also debut multiple world premiere plays every year. We also create impromptu shows, musicals, and interactive theatre experiences. We do a live kids’ show where the kids can steer the story—and even be in it.

That’s art! And it’s art that people who don’t normally like “art” like! Anyone who knows the state of the arts knows that somebody needs to be creating new patrons of the arts, not just living off the dwindling (and sadly, dying) support of the old guard of benefactors. Dad’s Garage can be one of those gateways to the arts.

Investing in Dad’s Garage is investing in Atlanta. Last week we heard that Georgia Shakespeare is closing its doors. The question that keeps ringing in my head isn’t “Why!?” It’s “What the fuck do we want this city to be!?”

A vibrant, growing city needs culture. It needs arts. It needs unique experiences you can’t find other places. And it needs to continually attract the young, dynamic people who like all of the aforementioned.

If you are an Atlantan, you should be mourning the death of Georgia Shakes—even if you “hate that stuff.” Because having a world-class Shakespearean theatre helped make Atlanta a world-class city.

In our own curious way, Dad’s Garage Theatre is trying hard to make Atlanta a world-class city. You may know Dad’s as a place to drink a few beers, chill, and laugh until your sides hurt. But you may not know that we send performers to festivals and showcases around the country and around the world. In the comedy universe, Dad’s is well-known standout. In the theatre world, Dad’s Garage’s ability to attract a young, diverse audience is legendary.

We’re one bright little thread in the tapestry of Atlanta. How many threads can we pull out until the whole thing starts to unravel?

I don’t want to find out. I just want us to make Atlanta a cooler place to live.

Investing in Dad’s Garage is investing in laughter. Let’s say you don’t give a damn about the Old Fourth Ward, the Arts, or Atlanta. I hope we can at least agree on one thing: laughter is good.

I’m a pretty optimistic guy, but every now and then I can feel the oppressive weight of the world. War is rampant on our little planet. Politics is hatefully dysfunctional. Ebola is surely leading to a zombie invasion. TNT cancelled Dallas.

Sometimes I just need to laugh. I love that Dad’s Garage Theatre is always there to help me, or anyone else, do just that. There may be better causes out there, but I think we undervalue the importance of an organization that is singularly focused on making people smile, laugh, and maybe pee on themselves just a little bit.

So whether you are a regular audience member at Dad’s Garage or not, I hope you will consider making an investment at any level in the future of the Old Fourth Ward, the Arts, Atlanta, and a good ol’ belly-laugh.

You can do it right here.

Mysterious Donor Double Down

Stepped on the scales Sunday morning for my four-week weigh in. Four weeks ago, I weighed 295 pounds. Sunday morning I weighed 271.4.

That puts us at 23.6 pounds lost so far. (That math took me waaay longer than it should have.)

If you haven’t heard, I’m losing weight not just for my health, but also as a cockamamie fundraiser for Dad’s Garage Theatre. (I should probably stop using the word “cockamamie” in normal conversation.)

Dad’s Garage is raising money to buy a permanent home, as we got kicked out of our previous shanty by developers. It’s a storyline that could inspire a low-budget ’80’s move—and perhaps it should. (I’ll file that one away for later.) You can learn all about our fundraising effort and our possible new home here.

My parents, in lieu of a traditional donation, have promised to pledge $10 for every pound I lose. So, as of today, they’re in for $236.

And we just learned some very good news.

A donor who wishes to remain anonymous has agreed to match every dollar donated to our Kickstarter up to $150,000. Holy poop. Which means that every pound I lose earns Dad’s Garage $20. Unless, of course, we don’t meet our goal. That would suck donkey butthole.

Twenty in Twenty-One

Quick update: As of yesterday I’ve lost 20.4 pounds in my quest to lose weight and simultaneously help Dad’s Garage Theatre raise money to buy a new forever home.

I’m 21 days into the effort. I was really hoping for 21 pounds in 21 days, but then I realized if we were on the metric system it would have no significance (9.25 kilos in 21 days). So I’ll take 20 gladly.

Also, if you’re trying to lose weight, go by pounds. More of a sense of accomplishment. Maybe grams!

The money is coming from my parents, who have volunteered to donate $10 to Dad’s Garage Theatre’s Kickstarter campaign to buy a forever home for every pound I lose. Click on the link, and you’ll learn all about Dad’s Garage and what a ridiculous place it is.

As hard as I’m working, there’s not a chance in hell that I’m going to lose 3,000 pounds—so I can’t do this alone. Please consider chipping in any amount. Seriously, anything. Can I have five dolla?

The Dreaded “3”

Three weeks ago I had a doctor’s appointment. I stepped on the scale there, and the nurse jotted down a sobering number: 301.2.

Sure, I was wearing jeans, and shoes, and my belt … but still. I had never seen a “3” at the beginning of my weight ever. It was a wakeup call.

Two weeks ago I was challenged by my parents to lose weight. They volunteered to donate $10 to Dad’s Garage Theatre’s Kickstarter campaign to buy a new home for every pound I lost.

Today’s scale reckoning: 279.4 pounds. Almost 22 pounds from the scary 301.2, and 15.6 pounds from my weight two weeks ago, the day my parents issues their generous challenge.

Mom, Dad—you’re in for 156$ so far.

Anyone else wanna cheer me on? Make a $15 donation to Dad’s Garage‘s Kickstarter right now!

Next update in a week.

One Week. Ten Pounds. A Hundred Bucks.

You may have read that my parents have combined my weight loss efforts and my fundraising efforts. They’ve offered to donate $10 to Dad’s Garage Theatre’s Kickstarter campaign for every pound I lose. The campaign ends Tue, Nov 11 2014.

Long story short, Dad’s is a ridiculous Atlanta theatre company that I’m part of. We were made homeless last year, but we’ve found a potential forever home. To buy. Of course, not-for-profit theatre organizations tend to have shallow pockets, so we’re getting creative—thus this Kickstarter campaign, which is only part of our multi-tiered fundraising effort.

I’ve already cleared out my kids’ college funds, so now I’m getting creative too. I’ve got about two months to also kickstart my weight loss campaign, and hopefully raise more money for Dad’s.

PROGRESS REPORT

Seven days in. I hit the scales this morning, and have lost 10.4 pounds so far (295.0 to 284.6). Let’s round down and say that Mom and Dad are in for at least $100, barring a total relapse.

My approach this week:

No sweet. Not just no sugar, nothing that tastes sweet, including artificially-sweetened stuff and even fruit. This has really helped me control cravings. Yeah, it’s pretty impossible to completely avoid sugar—I know I’ve ingested plenty this week in the form of salad dressing, bread, and even chicken sausage. I’m just doing the best I can.

No booze. No Friday evening reward beer. No post show improv beer. No “cheers the kids are in bed” celebration. God that was hard, but though I love a good IPA, I recognize that it’s empty calories, and thus not a good choice for weight loss.

No fried. I actually had some baked buffalo chicken wings for lunch last week. Not bad at all.

Intermittent Fasting. The idea here is to ingest all my calories within an eight-hour window each day. So I have breakfast at 7:00 AM, lunch around 1:00 PM, and then I’m done for the day. I did this every day this week. A real lifestyle change, but once you get your head around it it’s not actually that hard.

Next report coming in a week. Wanna help me stay motivated? Donate a few bucks. Stay tuned.

Dad’s Garage Getting Bigger. I’m Getting Smaller.

My parents know I have two big-ass goals right now. The first is to lose weight from my big ass. The second is to raise money to help Dad’s Garage Theatre Company purchase a big-ass forever home.

So they gave me a challenge: they’ll donate $10 for every pound I lose.

If you don’t know Dad’s Garage, you should. Founded in 1995, Dad’s is a comedy theatre in Atlanta that brings improv, original scripted comedy, and a lot more to Atlanta and the world. I’ve been performing there since 2000. I’ve improbably been cast in plays and musicals. I’ve written plays and musicals. I cherish it.

If you don’t know about my weight … well, let’s just say my XXL shirts are getting tight. Time for a change.

Back to Dad’s Garage. In 2013, developers purchased our location from our landlord and knocked it down to make way for a parking deck. (Sounds like an 80s booby comedy, right?)

Since then we’ve been homeless, performing at 7 Stages Theatre and anywhere else with a stage and a light grid that will have us. We appreciate the kindness of 7 Stages, but we need a space of our own to continue our mission of bringing original comedy to a new generation of theatregoers.

We think we’ve found our forever home. It’s a nondescript church in the fantastic Old Fourth Ward neighborhood in downtown Atlanta.

Not much to look at, but it had the square footage, parking, environment, and infrastructure we need. And just imagine what it can become.

We’re raising money to buy the place, and a relatively small part of that money needs to come from our plucky Kickstarter campaign. (Please consider donating yourself.) I’ve already dug deep, so when I hit up my parents, they introduced this cockamamie concept. It’s strangely motivating.

I started Sunday 9/14/2014. I have until Tuesday 11/11/2014 to lose as much as I can and convert that into a donation for Dad’s. Keep your eyes on this space for updates, and thanks Mom and Dad!